(note: This was initially supposed to be my entry for Memorial Day. However, due to procrastination and general laziness it was delayed. Maybe it's for the best though. I wouldn't want anyone to think I was making light of Memorial Day.)
Every Memorial Day we remember those that have gone to battle on behalf of this country. I thought I would take this opportunity to remember the fallen heroes (and villains) of my childhood--the real American Hero... G.I. Joes. I've owned many G.I. Joes in my life (I'm only a little ashamed to admit that I collected them until I was 13). And I certainly experienced my share of action figure casualties, some intentional, some not.
Anyone that collected G.I. Joes knows the three most common maladies to afflict the Joes were:
- Torn Rubber O-Ring: The rubber o-ring conected the torso of the figure to the legs. The o-ring enabled the figure to bend and pivot at the waist. As the o-rings got old and took their share of wear and tear, they would occasionally break. This was one of the few correctable conditions. Since my father is a dentist, I could easily obtain rubber bands used in braces. While not quite as strong as the original o-ring, these rubber bands saved many an American Hero from the G.I. Joe spare parts box (which my mom threw out when I went to college).
- Broken Thumbs: When a figure's thumb(s) would break, that figure could no longer hold onto his/her (okay, I didn't actually own any female G.I. Joes, but they did exist) weapon or other accesories. I suppose the thumbs might be salvaged with super-glue and a little patience, but I never attempted such a thing. Probably because my parents did not trust me with the super-glue.
- Broken Crotch Piece: Maybe codpiece would be the proper word for this, but I referred to it as the "crotch piece" back in my G.I. Joe days. I suppose the less said about this the better. Let's just say that there was a small piece of easily broken plastic in the figure's bathing-suit area. Like broken thumbs, this may have been correctable with super-glue or epoxy, but I never tried it.
The casualties listed below met with more debilitating maladies than the aforementioned "common" injuries.
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Code Name: Deep Six |
| Name: Malcom R. Willoughby |
| Specialty: Deep Sea Diver |
| Affiliation: G.I. Joe |
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Deep Six initially only suffered from the previously mentioned "broken crotch piece". Later in his tour of duty, however, the metal piece that the legs and rubber o-ring attached to broke. How this happened has been lost to time, but Deep Six, now a double amputee, will never again explore the depths of a bath tub or hotel swimming pool.
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Code Name: Tunnel Rat |
| Name: Nicky Lee |
| Specialty: EOD (Explosive
Ordnance Disposal) |
| Affiliation: G.I. Joe |
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My dad purchased Tunnel Rat for me while he was away at a dental conference of some sort. Tunnel Rat quickly rose up the ranks of favorite G.I. Joes. He has the cool black paint on his face to help him blend in with the tunnels that he frequents and he came with a huge machine gun. Sadly, Tunnel Rat lost his arm at the bicep swivel (the point that allowed the lower part of the arm to pivot) in some forgotten battle. Despite his injury, Tunnel Rat has considered to serve his country with distinction.
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Code Name: Low-Light |
| Name: Cooper G. McBride |
| Specialty: Night Spotter |
| Affiliation: G.I. Joe |
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Low-Light was not technically my G.I. Joe. He was purchased by my grandmother and kept at her cottage. My brother and I were supposed to share whatever G.I. Joes were there. However, when I was at the beach one day, I saw some kids playing with G.I. Joes in the sand. I talked to them and spotted a figure that they had built from spare G.I. Joe parts, a mutant Joe if you will, and wanted it for my own. On reflection this figure was rather bizarre looking, but he did have the cool silver shield that came with the mail-in figure, Super Trooper. Needless to say, Low-Life was traded for this crime agains nature. I'm sorry Low-Light, I just didn't think you were very cool at the time.
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Code Name: Quick Kick |
| Name: MacArthur S. Ito |
| Specialty: Silent Weapons |
| Affiliation: G.I. Joe |
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Quick Kick was a painful loss. Quick Kick was one of my first G.I. Joes and one of my favorites. Quick Kick met his demise when my brother, Matt, flushed him down the toilet. Matt was probably between the ages of 3 and 5 when this happened (putting me between the ages of 5 and 8). My dad took the toilet apart to see if Quick Kick had gotten stuck in the trap, but, alas, he was no where to be found. The Calumet sewer system had already swallowed him up. I may have forgiven Matt for this incident, but nothing can bring Quick Kick back from his watery grave (unless Matt bought another one for me).
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Code Name: Mutt |
| Name: Stanley G. Perimutter |
| Specialty: Animal
Control/Utilization Technician |
| Affiliation: G.I. Joe |
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I simply didn't like Mutt very much. Just look at that picture, he's not a very cool looking G.I. Joe. In the later stages of my G.I. Joe phase (which overlapped with my pyromaniac phase), I decided that I needed "burn victim G.I. Joe". Mutt was the obvious choice (one of his thumbs had broken off already). So I took him into the garage, sprayed his face with a combination of WD-40 and bug spray and lit him on fire. I let him burn for just long enough to produce the desired results.
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Code Name: Zandar |
| Name: N/A |
| Specialty: Zartan's Brother |
| Affiliation: Cobra/Dreadnoks |
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Zandar was another G.I. Joe purchased by Grandma and corporately owned by my brother and I. Zandar was a member of the Dreadnoks, a group of mercenaries that worked with Cobra. As you can see from his listed specialty, he is Zartan's, the leader of the Dreadnoks, brother. So apparently, much like my brother, Matt, Zandar lives in the shadow of his more charismatic brother. The plastic that Zandar was made from would change from a brownish skin-tone to a grayish, dead looking skin-tone if he was exposed to sunlight. So one day I put him next to a light bulb to see how gray he could get. Let's just say his torso now has an indentation from my thumb.
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Code Name: Golobulus |
| Name: N/A |
| Specialty: Cobra-la Leader |
| Affiliation: Cobra/Cobra-la |
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Golobulus came from the famous (infamous?) G.I. Joe movie. He was the leader of a group called Cobra-la that apparently Cobara Commander was part of at one point. It's a very convoluted plot that doesn't really make sense in light of the rest of the G.I. Joe chronology. I believe that Golobulus had the shortest life-span of any G.I. Joe figure I ever owned. As you can see in this picture, Golobulus had a big, poseable, rubber tail. However, this quickly became detached from the plastic torso and became useless. He wasn't very cool anways, his poseable tail wasn't very poseable and a big snake-like guy didn't really belong in imaginary military conflicts anyways.
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Code Name: Dr. Mindbender |
| Name: Classified |
| Specialty: Master of Mind Control |
| Affiliation: Cobra |
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Dr. Mindbender was probably the most hated figure I ever owned (a close second would be the "Mad Dog" Murdoch A-Team figure that we had at my Grandma's cottage). I'm sorry, but anyone that runs around shirtless with a monocle and a barbershop-quartet mustache does not deserve to be called "Doctor", I don't care how many years they went to school. Dr. Mindbender's hands were ground to sharp points in a manual pencil sharpener. I guess Matt and I were punishing him for being so stupid. I suppose the loss of his hands doesn't really hinder him in his administering of shirtless mind control.
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Those were the most memorable of all the G.I. Joe casualties. Maybe I'll look through my G.I. Joes the next time I'm at my parents' house and see if there are any other notable injuries.
All pictures (except the one of Golobulus) are from www.yojoe.com.
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